Candidate Celebrity Roast 

AL GORE

    When Al’s short of money he just asks a stranger if there’s a Buddhist temple in the neighborhood. It’s like a ATM card.

        Al’s been getting really paranoid about the Buddhist temple thing. I was at his daughter’s wedding last year and when I handed him the envelope with the gift, he kept on repeating, "I didn’t know it was a fund raiser. I didn’t know it was a fund raiser."

    But Al wasn’t afraid to serve his country in Vietnam like some people.    But he might of got some favorable treatment.  He was the only soldier in Vietnam who was allowed to have a man servant.  Jeeves of the jungle.  Al was a war correspondent.  He saw some action over there.  A couple of whores in Saigon.

        Al’s not the best speaker.  He talks slower than Jimmy Stewart on Quaaludes. One time he was giving a speech at the Lion’s Club in Ohio and a mortician walked in looking for a stiff and took Al away in a hearse.

    Al said that he would never let the American people down, in his Democratic Convention speech.  Al just you being president, is letting us down.

GEORGE BUSH

    George W gave up drinking after a particularly bruising night, when he woke up in the morning in bed with Al Sharpton.

    George’s idea of compassionate conservatism is letting death row inmates order out for their last meal.  He believes strongly in equal opportunity, he even keeps a couple of Mexican boys around the house to park his car and fix up the lawn .  He supports the handicapped too. Anyone who is convicted of a homicide in Texas has an equal opportunity to be executed, even retarded people.

    With two oil men in the White House the only wild life that’s safe are Warner Bros. cartoon characters. If the Republicans win, all the moose in Montana are going to move to Canada.

    George’s idea of improving the environment, is building a couple of new indoor malls in the Houston area.

    Bush has got a new plan to help seniors pay for pharmaceuticals.  They bring the deed to their house down to the drug store and the pharmacist gives them what ever they want.

    Bush has got a new private insurance plan - it covers everything except if you get sick.

    If Bush wins we’ll have senior citizens standing at street lights with signs that say, "I’ll work for pharmaceuticals."

    But George has become quite a family man, when his wife is not trying to slash her wrist or O.D. on sleeping pills.  And he’s not trying to screw Rosetta the Mexican maid.