Political Profiling
by Steve Schuster

  There are a lot of similarities between serial killers and politicians, says psychiatrist Dr. Joe Watcher of the FBI’s elite serial crime task force. Dr. Watcher ought to know,  he’s spent 15 yrs interviewing serial killers like Gary Heidnick and Jeffrey Dahmer. 

    "Most serial killers will have mutilated one small animal by the age of 12.  But, most politicians have done it by age 10," says Dr. Watcher.  The startling findings are contained in a comprehensive study of the childhood’s of 200 politicians.

    The report is entitled, "More Than a Coincidence - Similarities Between Politicians and Serial Killers."

    "In neighborhoods where one or more politician has previously lived, there are 50% less squirrels, rabbits and other small animals, within a one mile radius," stated Dr. Watcher. These facts can have bad environmental impacts, as well.  In Hope Arkansas, fish and wildlife commissioner Ed Birdcall had this to say, "when a rabbit or squirrel dissapears nobody fills out a missing persons report. That’s why it’s almost impossible to catch the perpatrator of these crimes. Like in Bill Clinton’s old neighborhood. I received about two dozen discarded carcass sightings.  But, when Bill went off to college the sightings stopped. The whole ecology around there is all serewed up. We got certain weeds growing bigger than Roseanne’s butt. Weeds that normally would be eaten by the squirrels and rabbits."

    The major difference between convicted serial killers and politicians is in their deviate sexual practices. Both have a proclivity towards deviate sex.

    The major difference is, most politicians find partners to gratify their deviant desires, whereas the ones who can’t for one reason or other, frustrated and dejected usually become serial killers. Because, most politicians have highly developed social skills they are usually adept at finding and talking prospective partners into performing deviant or even humiliating sexual acts.

    One former U.S. Senator had his wife smear feces all over themselves during sex. He had her convinced that this was a normal thing.  It was only after the couple had gotten divorced that she realized this wasn’t normal, after all.  "He told me that it was an old Italian custom.  I wanted to be a good wife, I was confused, you wouldn’t believe our laundry bills," she confided.

    Another ex-wife of a prominent Senator had this to say. " He humiliated me by making me parade around our bedroom in cheap casual wear from the Cheryl Ladd collection at K-Mart.  I never had the heart to tell mother."

    One of the most striking  similarities between politicians and serial murderers is their lack of conscience. This enables serial murderers to kill without any remorse and politicians to change positions and go back on promises, similarly without remorse.

    Serial killers are classic power abusers, they get turned on by controlling their victims and having the power of life and death over them.  Similarly politicians dangle scarce public sector jobs over needy constituents. They also conspire to save useless military bases that were never in danger of closing in the first place. It is an unwritten law that every Congressman who serves over 4 yrs. gets to save a redundant military base in his district at least once.

    What can be done about this serious problem? Here is what Dr. Watcher suggests, " The best thing to do is keep electing them to Congress, because if these whackos ever loose their seats and get out in the general population they could wreak havoc." Do you have an ex Congressman living in your neighborhood? Check with your local police station and support mandatory registration for ex politicians.